When I was 13, depression ruled my life. I did not want to survive, but I persisted. Why? The answer can be found in the reason I was depressed in the first place. I was overwhelmed by all the cruelty in the world. I did not want to live in such a world. However, both the legal system and most religions considered suicide a crime. But did I care?
I did believe in a greater presence than any human, so the condemnation of self-inflicted death caused me to pause.
If my life was in God’s control, then God could take it away. Nightly I prayed to die in my sleep. Waking disappointed, I prayed God would choose sometime during the day. And so, the days continued and I did not die.
But then I reasoned maybe it was really up to me after all. I began to plan the circumstances. In each case, I kept hitting the same wall. If I wanted to escape the world because there was too much ugliness and unhappiness, would not my death just add one more horror and burden to the record of history?
I would be guilty of creating exactly what I most hated. Could I do that? Make everything even worse? The question held me on the brink long enough for more thoughts to reach me. I knew there was a long history of others who searched for wisdom.
I began to pray for the wisdom to understand why people needed to be cruel. A wisdom which would make it possible to forgive without anger. A wisdom that would bring me peace.
Meditating on this thought, I stopped each day after school at my church which was never locked in those days. The friend who accompanied me on my walk home would wait outside. I was never long, just long enough to say my prayer asking for wisdom.
It was then I happened on my answer.
There were the philosophers. So many of them, but not one of them had found the single answer which all could agree upon. I was only 13, how I could I hope to do better than all those great minds?
I was never going to know why, not for certain, not ever. Strangely this realization freed me.
Later confronted by an estranged friend in the mood for argument, I saw a vision of our moment as a tiny dot on the world’s timeline. So tiny, so insignificant. Before my recent revelation, I would have been vulnerable facing this once-friend. But I was no longer.
In that moment I knew the darkness I had lived through in that 13th year was ending. I had endured and would survive. My calmness completely confused my once-friend as I turned and walked away unperturbed by her attack. The worst was over.
Peace settled into my mind, my whole body, my view of the world thoroughly changed.
FINDING THE CALM
When I was 13, depression ruled my life. I did not want to survive, but I persisted. Why? The answer can be found in the reason I was depressed in the first place. I was overwhelmed by all the cruelty in the world. I did not want to live in such a world. However, both the legal system and most religions considered suicide a crime. But did I care?
I did believe in a greater presence than any human, so the condemnation of self-inflicted death caused me to pause.
If my life was in God’s control, then God could take it away. Nightly I prayed to die in my sleep. Waking disappointed, I prayed God would choose sometime during the day. And so, the days continued and I did not die.
But then I reasoned maybe it was really up to me after all. I began to plan the circumstances. In each case, I kept hitting the same wall. If I wanted to escape the world because there was too much ugliness and unhappiness, would not my death just add one more horror and burden to the record of history?
I would be guilty of creating exactly what I most hated. Could I do that? Make everything even worse? The question held me on the brink long enough for more thoughts to reach me. I knew there was a long history of others who searched for wisdom.
I began to pray for the wisdom to understand why people needed to be cruel. A wisdom which would make it possible to forgive without anger. A wisdom that would bring me peace.
Meditating on this thought, I stopped each day after school at my church which was never locked in those days. The friend who accompanied me on my walk home would wait outside. I was never long, just long enough to say my prayer asking for wisdom.
It was then I happened on my answer.
There were the philosophers. So many of them, but not one of them had found the single answer which all could agree upon. I was only 13, how I could I hope to do better than all those great minds?
I was never going to know why, not for certain, not ever. Strangely this realization freed me.
Later confronted by an estranged friend in the mood for argument, I saw a vision of our moment as a tiny dot on the world’s timeline. So tiny, so insignificant. Before my recent revelation, I would have been vulnerable facing this once-friend. But I was no longer.
In that moment I knew the darkness I had lived through in that 13th year was ending. I had endured and would survive. My calmness completely confused my once-friend as I turned and walked away unperturbed by her attack. The worst was over.
Peace settled into my mind, my whole body, my view of the world thoroughly changed.
AUTHOR NOTES
GLASS RAIN—the poetry of Margaret Roxby
The author shared “THE NEW POETS” with her poet friends as contribution to their “Round Robin” poem-sharing/critiquing mail exchange. She described it as an essay poem. It is included this week for World Thinking Day, February 22.
REFRACTIONS—the poetry of Robert Roxby
“SPARKS OF GENIUS” is included this week for World Thinking Day, February 22. The poem first appeared in the poet’s collected poems titled Reflections on a Lifetime.
KALEIDOSCOPE—an essay by Kathleen Roxby
“FINDING THE CALM” is included this week for World Thinking Day, February 22. The essay refers to a time when the author was challenged by everyone, adults and contemporaries, to “grow up” and get to know the world at large to find her place in it.
SUBMISSION GUIDELINES
Readers who write in response to one of the prompts listed each month in Splintered Glass, may see their work presented here on the last week of that month. Though poems are preferred, short prose work will also be considered for publication.
Guidelines for submission:
SPLINTERS FOR FEBRUARY 2025
ST. VALENTINE
St. Valentine has this special day
So men and women can open up their hearts
To special people, to all the love inside.
Do you see that flutter in the inner most corner?
That is just the nervousness I feel
When I try to tell you how deeply I feel
My love, what you mean to me.
I can only hold on to you when my heart
Tries to show how deeply my love of you goes.
I would have you by my side all my life
If you will only let me stay and hold on to you.
WIND
No one to take note
Of your passing
It was a gentle wind
Striking softly at the window
As throwing
Handsful of marshmallows
THE SYLPH
She was the kind of woman
Who, believing herself alone,
Would glide into the moonlight
And there dance
Amid the dew and the stars,
Taking the night
And the moon
Equally as her lover
AUTHOR NOTES
GLASS RAIN—the poetry of Margaret Roxby
“WIND” was found among the poet’s papers and was never perfected by its author. It is included this week for Singles Awareness Day, February 15.
REFRACTIONS—the poetry of Robert Roxby
“ST. VALENTINE” was first published in the author’s collection titled Reflections on a Lifetime. The poem has been edited slightly for this release. Once again the author is undoubtedly speaking of the love he felt for his wife. The poem is included this week for February 14, St. Valentine’s Day.
THROUGH THE LOOKING GLASS—the poetry of Kathleen Roxby
“THE SYLPH” is included this week for Singles Awareness Day, February 15. The poem first appeared in the year 2000 inthe author’s self-published collection, Paper Doll.
SUBMISSION GUIDELINES
Readers who write in response to one of the prompts listed each month in Splintered Glass, may see their work presented here on the last week of that month. Though poems are preferred, short prose work will also be considered for publication.
Guidelines for submission:
SPLINTERS FOR FEBRUARY 2025